


The Mission At Hand

by DictionaryWrites



Category: Les Misérables - All Media Types
Genre: M/M, Threesome
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-11-03
Updated: 2013-11-03
Packaged: 2017-12-31 08:33:52
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 858
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1029561
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DictionaryWrites/pseuds/DictionaryWrites
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Modern AU. Not crack, but definitely humour-heavy and exceedingly ridiculous. Grantaire takes on a mission: to fuck Cosette’s dads.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Mission At Hand

"Do you know who’s  _hot_?” Grantaire was slurring his words slightly, and the others looked at him with interest. “Cos- Cosette-“

"Are you going to tell us his girlfriend’s hot?" Courfeyrac asked when Grantaire trailed off, indicating Marius. “‘Cause that’s like, kinda weird.

“ _No_.” Grantaire said firmly. “Cosette’s  _dad_.”

"Which one?" 

"Jean." Grantaire looked thoughtful, and then he nodded. "And Javert."

”Dude, that is fucked up.” Courfeyrac said, patting Grantaire’s shoulder.

"At the party next week, do not bring that up." Marius said firmly. 

"I feel like it goes without saying, Grantaire, but I think the general rule is that you don’t try and have sex with your friend’s girlfriend’s parents." Combeferre said lightly. Enjolras was sat with a look of intense bafflement on his face.

"But why?"

"Because they’re  _hot_.” Enjolras stared at Grantaire, and then he shook his head. 

"No." Enjolras said.

Marius had thought that had been that. Grantaire was particularly peevish when he was drunk, and he thought that at the party - a New Year’s event, which the amis had all been invited to, Jean said, because he liked to cook for groups of people - Grantaire would drop it.

And then he realized that Grantaire was talking to Jean and Javert, brightly, with a smug grin on his face. “Grantaire! Grantaire, I need to talk to you!” He said, moving forwards.

"Marius, I am having a very interesting discussion about cuts to police funding, I do not want to talk to you: I am busy." 

"Grantaire-"

"No, Marius." And Grantaire turned back to Javert and Jean, who did seem interested in talking to him, but still, but still… Marius bit his lip hard, moving into the room.

He would get Cosette- but no, Cosette didn’t know, and Marius would rather Cosette didn’t know. Shit. Shit. Oh, God, shit. What did he  _do_? Courfeyrac! In any other situation he would ask Courfeyrac. But no, no, Courfeyrac would just laugh at him.

Marius went to Feuilly. He was in conversation with Enjolras at the time, but Marius couldn’t care. “Please don’t let Grantaire have sex with my fathers-in-law!” Marius said desperately, grabbing Feuilly by the collar. He was close to tears, and Feuilly hushed him.

"Now, now, Marius, use your words. What is happening?"

"He’s going to fuck Jean and Javert." 

"Grantaire is?"

"Yes."

"But Javert is a policeman. He’s pro- _monarchy_.” Enjolras said, looking disgusted. “When I said fuck kings, I didn’t mean… Well.”

Feuilly tapped Marius’ shoulder. “Come on, let’s go find him.”

"Whoa, why the fuck have you got your shirt off!?" Grantaire spread out his hands in a calming gesture.

"Don’t you curse at me, Pontmercy. I was simply showing your lovely fathers-in-law the tattoo on my back. Don’t be so weird about it, we’re all people here. The sight of my nipples isn’t going to  _break_  them.” Feuilly fixed Grantaire with a stern look, but Grantaire merely returned a bright grin.

"I’m gonna die." Marius whispered.

"Let’s go find Cosette." Feuilly said lightly. "If you can’t see him, it’ll be like he isn’t there."

—-

Grantaire was shirtless in the kitchen when Marius got up the next day, and he stared at the other man. “Did you- did you f-f-f-“

"Nah. Cosette pretty much  _threw_ me onto the couch.” Grantaire said in a lamenting tone, and Marius nearly fell to the ground in relief. “I’m sure I’ll have other chances.” _  
_

"No. Don’t, don’t, please, God, don’t."

"I can cross it off my bucket-list though."

"My fathers shouldn’t be on your bucketlist." Cosette said, coming into the room and pouring glasses of orange juice out from the jug in the fridge. 

"Not them specifically. But you know, two dicks at once. Fucking two old guys."

"Why is  _fucking two old guys_  on your bucketlist?” Cosette asked. “That is just- that’s so weird. And there are other old guys. That didn’t raise me.”

The kitchen door opened, and Jean Prouvaire entered the room. His hair was loose, the ribbon that usually held it back tied around his wrist, and his eyeliner was slightly smudged. He yawned, and they all took in the too-big night shirt he was wearing, revealing the tattoos covering his thighs.

Marius and Cosette recognized it as Javert’s. Grantaire inferred the same. He dropped his orange juice on the floor, the glass shattering, the orange juice wetting his feet and Cosette’s. 

"Good morning." Jehan greeted serenely. "Do we need a cloth to clean this up?"

"Greater men than me have tried and succeeded." Grantaire said, looking to Marius and Cosette with a disappointed expression. "If I’m not going to be the first, what’s the point?" 

"Why the fuck am I friends with you people?" Marius lamented, hiding his face against Cosette’s shoulder. 

"Because we’re pretty?" Jehan offered.

"Good in bed." Grantaire added.

"Topical."

"Political."

"Witty."

"And poetic." Cosette took in a slow breath. 

"Just, both of you, out of the kitchen, and I will cook breakfast, and Jehan, we will never, ever talk about this."

"Yes, Ma’am." Jehan said brightly enough, and he fiddled with the ribbon tied at his wrist as he left the room again with Grantaire beside him. 


End file.
